In this episode of The Lifestyle Prescription with Pharmacy Planet, host Rena Dipti Annobil speaks with Rachel Gold, a Sex and Relationship Coach and Therapist, about a topic that is often misunderstood, rarely discussed openly, and surrounded by unnecessary shame: women’s sexual health and libido.
From changes in sexual desire to the realities of intimacy in long-term relationships, the conversation explores the many factors that influence women’s sex drive — including stress, hormonal changes, body image, motherhood, lifestyle pressures and relationship dynamics.
For many women, a decrease in libido can feel confusing or isolating. Yet as Rachel explains, fluctuations in sexual desire are far more common than most people realise. The key is understanding the underlying causes and finding ways to rebuild connection, confidence and communication.
Together, Rena and Rachel discuss mismatched sex drives between partners, intimacy after childbirth, the impact of perimenopause and menopause, and why open conversations about sexual wellbeing are essential for healthy relationships.
One of the central themes of the episode is that female libido is not static.
Unlike common cultural myths suggesting that sexual desire should remain constant, women’s sex drive is influenced by a wide range of factors throughout life.
These can include:
Stress and burnout
Relationship dynamics
Hormonal changes
Sleep and overall health
Body image and confidence
Life transitions such as pregnancy or menopause
Rachel explains that many women interpret changes in libido as a problem with themselves, when in reality these shifts are often a natural response to life circumstances.
Understanding these influences is the first step toward rebuilding sexual wellbeing.
Mismatched Sex Drives in Relationships
A challenge many couples face is mismatched libido, where one partner experiences a higher level of sexual desire than the other.
Rachel highlights that this situation is extremely common in long-term relationships and doesn’t necessarily indicate deeper problems between partners.
What often matters most is how couples communicate about intimacy.
Open conversations about expectations, needs and emotional connection can help reduce feelings of pressure or rejection. When partners approach these discussions with empathy rather than blame, it becomes easier to find solutions that work for both individuals.
Body Image and Sexual Confidence
Another important aspect of sexual wellbeing is self-confidence and body image.
Many women struggle with feeling comfortable in their own bodies, particularly after major life events such as childbirth or during periods of hormonal change.
Rachel emphasises that sexual confidence isn’t about meeting unrealistic standards of attractiveness. Instead, it’s about feeling connected to one’s body and comfortable expressing desire and vulnerability within a relationship.
Rebuilding this confidence can take time, but it plays a crucial role in restoring intimacy.
Perimenopause, Menopause and Sexual Health
Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause can also significantly affect libido.
Changes in oestrogen levels may influence mood, energy levels, vaginal health and overall sexual desire. However, Rachel explains that these changes don’t mean intimacy has to disappear.
Understanding the physical and emotional effects of menopause can help women make informed decisions about their health and seek appropriate medical support when needed.
For some, speaking to a GP about symptoms such as loss of libido can be an important step toward identifying underlying causes or treatment options.
Intimacy After Children
For many couples, the arrival of children can dramatically reshape intimacy.
New parents often face sleep deprivation, physical recovery, emotional adjustments and increased responsibilities — all of which can affect sexual desire.
Rachel notes that rebuilding intimacy after childbirth is not about rushing back into previous routines. Instead, couples may need to redefine what intimacy means during this stage of life, focusing on emotional connection and mutual understanding.
Small steps toward closeness can gradually help restore physical intimacy over time.
Communicating About Sex Without Embarrassment
Despite being a fundamental part of many relationships, sex can still feel like a difficult topic to discuss openly.
Rachel encourages couples to move away from embarrassment and approach conversations about intimacy in a supportive, non-judgmental way.
This might involve discussing:
Emotional needs
Boundaries and comfort levels
Expectations around intimacy
Changes in desire over time
When communication improves, couples often find it easier to navigate challenges such as mismatched libido or lifestyle pressures.
Quality Over Quantity
A key insight from the discussion is that a healthy sex life isn’t defined by frequency alone.
Cultural expectations can sometimes create unrealistic ideas about how often couples “should” be intimate. Rachel encourages couples to focus instead on the quality of connection and the emotional meaning behind intimacy.
For some, this might involve scheduling time together, creating opportunities for closeness or simply prioritising meaningful moments within busy lives.
The goal isn’t perfection — it’s connection.
Debunking Myths Around Women’s Sexuality
Throughout the episode, Rachel also addresses several common misconceptions about female sexuality.
These include the idea that women should always experience spontaneous desire or that changes in libido indicate a failing relationship.
In reality, sexual desire often develops through emotional connection, relaxation and feeling safe within a relationship.
Recognising these differences helps remove unnecessary pressure and allows couples to approach intimacy with greater understanding.
Lifestyle Prescription: Yoga Nidra and Nervous System Regulation
As with every episode of The Lifestyle Prescription, the conversation ends with a practical wellbeing takeaway.
Rachel highlights the importance of regulating the nervous system, particularly for individuals experiencing stress or burnout — both of which can significantly impact libido.
Practices such as Yoga Nidra, mindfulness and spending time in nature can help reduce stress levels and create the mental space needed for emotional and physical connection.
When the body moves out of a constant stress response, many aspects of wellbeing — including intimacy — can begin to improve naturally.
Watch the Full Episode
This episode offers an open, thoughtful conversation about women’s sexual health — a topic that deserves far more attention and understanding.
If you’ve ever wondered about the causes of low libido, navigating intimacy in long-term relationships, or how life stages like motherhood and menopause affect sexual wellbeing, this discussion provides valuable insights.
???? Watch the full episode of The Lifestyle Prescription with Rachel Gold.
Rachel Gold : [00:00:00] You know, there's different degrees of loss of libido. You could just feel not very much like having sex. You could have pain during sex. There's all different variants of what could stop you wanting to have sex. It's, I really would like to encourage people to just see intimacy in the biggest sense, whether that's, like I said, just stroking each other's hands, arms, right?
Being together, eye gazing, snuggling together, enjoying different, different experiences rather than having a force. Intercourse experience.
Rena Annobil: Hello, I'm Rena Annabel, and you are tuned into the Lifestyle prescription on Pharmacy Planet. So just a little word of warning before we get into this episode. We are gonna be talking about grown. Folk stuff. By that, yes. I mean SEX. So make sure that any K id Zs are not in the vicinity when you are listening to this.
If you have got the volume on and your headphones are unplugged. Um, so we are [00:01:00] gonna be exploring, um, concerns that a lot of women have with their sex lives. Things that a lot of us think about but are too embarrassed to actually talk about. So things like, where has my libido gone? Things don't feel the same after having kids.
Seems like everyone else is having more sex than us. Are we even sexually compatible? So with me in the studio to unpack all of that and more is Rachel Gold. She is a sex and relationship coach and therapist, and she helps people transform their sex lives and reawaken sexual intimacy and pleasure. Thank you so much for joining me, Rachel.
Rachel Gold : Thank you, and I love that introduction. Thank you very much. You covered so much there.
Rena Annobil: Well, we have a lot to cover in this conversation. Yeah. Um, so I guess, where do we start? I think the first thing I want to start by asking is, how important is sex in terms of romantic relationships, long-term relationships, marriage?[00:02:00]
Rachel Gold : Hmm.
Rena Annobil: Do we put too much emphasis on what that means in a relationship? Okay. Yes. So I think we do.
Rachel Gold : I think we do put too much emphasis on making it the best sex. Right? Or making it the sex that everybody else is having. 'cause everybody else is always having better sex than you are having. Is how we can approach things.
And that's the bit that I like to unravel with people, that they actually, it's about the two people. If that's how the relationship is, just the two people, what they want, how the pace is for them, and that they have communication about what they like and also. When life changes, which is you, you know, saying about long-term relationships, you've got to update each other.
You know, you've gotta share the changes in the body or the feelings that you're having. And also the ups and downs in life can really affect the intimate relationship, the sexual relationship. It's not separate.
Rena Annobil: Mm. And we will get into some of those ups and downs. But you've been doing this for quite a while.
How did you get into this line of work?
Rachel Gold : Well, I, [00:03:00] I went into it from, uh, my work with, uh, sex, uh, with not sex with my work with parents.
Rena Annobil: Right.
Rachel Gold : Um, because there's um, something that often happens when parents get pregnant. Not always, but you know, generally they've, they're having sex. So, and I work with couples and women especially.
Who had had multiple pregnancies. And so I got to meet them between pregnancies and they'd say sometimes things to me like, it's amazing that I'm pregnant again. I can't believe I'm pregnant again. How amazing. You know, we've only had sex once since, uh, the baby was born, et cetera, et cetera. And I just got to really feel that there was a big need of, of, of support in that time.
So when I trained as. Psychosexual therapist. It was really to help parents with conception issues around conception and, and pregnancy and recovery from, from having babies really. That was my main, my main drive for training. And of course, I've broadened out my work, especially through the phases of women, you know, as I've got older, my clients have got older.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm. And, you know, we talk about [00:04:00] sexual desire, like it's something that is very fixed. But it's obviously not, you know, things happen in life, like you said, and I feel like particularly for women, and that's why I really want to have this conversation because you know, this podcast is aimed mainly at women and their, and their health.
What are some of those things in our lives, in our health that affect our sex drive to the point where we, we don't even recognize ourselves anymore?
Rachel Gold : Well, there's going to be trauma. It's a big one. You know, having had situations of trauma maybe in previous. Uh, experiences of, of sexual trauma or trauma can surface sometimes in life that can cause problems in sex and in how we approach sex.
But, you know, some, for some people giving birth is a trauma. It's not always an easy experience birth. So we have to include the potential. Yeah. That, that, that type of thing is, is, is traumatic stress, tiredness, the blips in life. Relationship struggles. They all create difficulties because we are women [00:05:00] and we are very emotional centered.
As, as, as women we're, we are not. So just get down to it, you know, we are more, we need connection and we need to have, um, the experience with our partners where we feel that we are heard and received. It's not just about sex for us.
Rena Annobil: Yeah, that's one of the things I was gonna ask you. So do you think sometimes there's a little bit of misalignment, you know, if we're talking about, um, heterosexual couples, that there's a mi there's some misalignment between, uh, what a man needs to get in the mood for sex and what a woman needs?
Rachel Gold : Yeah, absolutely. Uh, we know that men are more visually stimulated. I mean, when I'm speaking about these things, I'm generalized. Thing, but men are, are generally more visually stimulated than women. And certainly as we get older as women, and that means we go between the ages of 20 and 60, not saying that the life ends or sex ends at 60, but there's so many changes that we go through, um, that we, we are feeling different and we need to have the feeling that we are being understood in that, in that journey mm-hmm.
Through [00:06:00] our different, uh, themes or times of our life.
Rena Annobil: Yeah. Um, you know, during these different times and all this stuff that happens, you know, childbirth and then trying to kind of regain a sense of yourself after that. Menopause, perimenopause, menopause, um, different health concerns that we might have our, the way we see our bodies and our bodies actually physically change.
Right. But do you think that that affects. How we see ourselves sexually as well. Like, 'cause I remember like having kids after birth, you know, you still, I still look pregnant for a long time and I didn't feel too good about myself. How much do things like that affect
Rachel Gold : massively sex
Rena Annobil: and desire?
Rachel Gold : Massively.
Your relationship? Massive. And I think if we turn it round the other direction, if we talk about, generally about men being, um, visual, we put a high, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as women to perform, to look. Good. We are competitive with one another. We want to look like her or we are not looking, you know, we [00:07:00] have all this going on in ourselves and you know, we put so much pressure on ourselves and self-confidence and body confidence is a big aspect to, uh, feeling unattractive and not wanting to engage with sex.
It certainly is. And you know what's lovely? And very important to know is often when you actually ask your partner, he has never noticed that thing that you are so worried about. You know, like the bottom or the whatever. He doesn't see it. He sees it all as beautiful. And so that's another thing I wanted to, you know, always want to encourage in couples is to give positive praise and to ask and to be open to receiving, you know, truth and compliments because he's unlikely to see it.
We see it and we judge ourselves, but he probably doesn't,
Rena Annobil: I mean. You're saying that men are visual and they're turned on by, you know, the looks and that kind of thing. Knowing that though. Isn't that why women are putting all the pressure on themselves to
Rachel Gold : a certain way? Well, it's, it's a, it's a, it's an interesting question that you put it like that because what I know from men, having worked with [00:08:00] men and women in, in relationships and also individually as clients, is that men, what they see outside of the relationship is one thing.
What they see in the relationship with the person they love and care for their wife, their partner, the mother of their children, is a very different thing because it involves love. Usually we hope it does and care that isn't the same as the man who looks at. I, I'm sorry, I'm gonna say girl in the street or something.
I don't really don't like that, but you know, it's a very different brain that goes on in the masculine to the feminine. We are very different to men in our approach to sexuality. Men will and can differentiate between the person he loves and cares about, and sees as beautiful and doesn't see all of the things that we worry about versus the things that he might see.
Out there that are attractive.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm. I also feel a bit like if we are so hung up on, you know, okay, we've got cellulite. Oh my god. You know, I'm a bit, uh, I've developed flab where I didn't have it before and that kind of thing. Yeah. If we're so hung up on that, [00:09:00] uh, it kind of in inhibits us a little bit.
Like I just feel like I. Own it, right?
Rachel Gold : Yeah. Well, the thing is as well is we can, it's like that's what's so great about this time. I, I, I don't know about you, but I see wonderful dance classes, sexy dance classes you can go to, you know, I, I love to see women in doing that. Women of all sizes. I mean, obviously things like belly dancing and all, all of that kind of erotic dance that we can do.
Burlesque really help us to inhabit, to en to engage into our body and whatever size and shape it is. To feel more sexual like that. So I think that that's a really, you know, really important is the difference between just looking and judging versus getting into the body and actually enjoying the body.
Rena Annobil: Yeah.
Rachel Gold : As it is.
Rena Annobil: Um, another thing I wanted to ask you is that a lot of women, um, they kind of quietly worry that something is wrong with them if they're not feeling desire like they did before. Mm. Yeah. Um, what would you say to [00:10:00] those women listening right now?
Rachel Gold : Okay, so if we're quietly worrying and it, it's something that's concerning, then the first stop is the GP to talk about it.
So that's my first signposting. Well,
Rena Annobil: as in like you, total loss of libido we're talking
Rachel Gold : about. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, um, it's always good idea. As a sex therapist, if somebody tells me that I want to check it out, it could be a hormonal test, for example. Mm-hmm. A blood simple blood test to look at hormone levels.
Um, you know, there's different degrees of loss of libido. You could just feel not very much like having sex. You could have pain during sex. There's all different variants of what could stop you wanting to have sex is and, and if you wanting to have sex is, and, and, and I think that there's some that should go to the GP and I think loss of.
Desire completely is one that it's worth, unfortunately, apart from a blood test, it, it will probably then come back to talking and sharing and finding out and uncovering what could be the thing that started that and where did it start and when did it start and, and, and was there a particular reason [00:11:00] that it started?
Those would be for me as a person who works with people. Yeah. And again, for, for friends together to know that you don't need somebody like me, you can talk about that amongst yourselves. You know, you can ask. Ask your friends those sorts of questions. Mm. And be a little bit more, um, interested in each other as women.
So we, so oftentimes I think that women aren't necessarily, um, of feeling safe to share that they don't have sex. Um, you know, they feel ashamed that they're not having sex or they're not having very much sex because again, like. That we talked about earlier, the perception that everybody else is having more than they are, or they're not doing, they're not good as wives or partners that you know, blah, blah, blah.
But let's start talking more. Let's actually open up the possibility that women do talk to each other, you know, and share and not judge, you know?
Rena Annobil: Exactly. Because I think that's what's really important, that if you say to somebody, like, say if a woman, uh, and her partner are, are not really having sex, and you mention it to your friend and that friend.
Instead of just [00:12:00] listening would be like, well, we do it three times a week, you know, you should schedule it in, or whatever. Sometimes that's not very helpful, is it?
Rachel Gold : It's not. No, it's not. I think listening is the key, absolute key, you know? And, um, yes, if there feels like a need to signpost, like I did it the beginning of your question, um, you know, we don't want to miss things.
We don't want to miss things that could be wrong, but we'd also don't want to be anxious about it either. If it is a, if it is a life's. Style reason, and there's many reasons why.
Rena Annobil: Yeah,
Rachel Gold : just chatting about it can free up the possibility of things changing.
Rena Annobil: I mean, let's talk about some of those lifestyle reasons.
Like what, what are some of those lifestyle reasons why, uh, one or both of the partners don't really wanna have sex that much anymore? Or it's not?
Rachel Gold : Well, stress is the big factor. Stress is a big factor in stopping libido or causing issues, uh, between couples, you know, because it's not always her. It could be him.
And simple things can happen. Like he, I'm gonna talk about he, I know [00:13:00] we're his. Talk about she, but he could be feeling tired. Business could be a challenge. He could be worried about money. He could have, uh, big issues. Men suffer a lot and don't share. And, um, she will feel that and she could feel that as a rejection and she could feel that he's not interested in her.
He could have performance issues, um, you know, with his sexual performance. And that also can seem to a woman like he's not interested and it wouldn't be. Very farfetched to, to, for her to then not want to initiate or even be in a sexual situation with him 'cause it feels rejecting. So that's one example.
You know, um, for us as women, all the phases we go through, not just having periods, but having babies, having different ebbs and flows of our hormones throughout those different times, you know, perimenopause. Can start in the early forties. It can start as soon as after you've had your, your, you know, your last child or child at late thirties.
Yeah. You know, you can go from breastfeeding into [00:14:00] perimenopause and then from perimenopause flow into menopause and before you know it, you are in a completely different phase of, of, of, of women women's phase. And so I think that if a man. Doesn't recognize that. He can also feel on the other side of it that something's wrong.
She's just different. You know, she's preferring to look at gardens and nice flowers, read books or whatever it is, or, you know, it is different. It is very different. Age is very different, you know? Um, you could also be extremely horny in those phases and suddenly take off and want more sex, and he could be tired and exhausted.
So there's all these different. Different challenges. Yeah. That can come about that are, I would say, health related in the general sense of health. You know, that it's not that there's a problem, but there's a change happening and it's a change that sometimes doesn't get named or recognized.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Um, okay, so in terms of perimenopause. And menopause. Yeah. [00:15:00] Can you just give people like a bit of hope, uh, because there might, I think
Rachel Gold : there's
Rena Annobil: a, that would
Rachel Gold : be so important. Hope. Yeah.
Rena Annobil: Yeah. There's a lot of people that are like, oh my God. Like, and you hear stories from older women. Well, you know, I got to 50 and then I was like, I'm not interested.
I'm not doing it anymore. You know, aunts and people are like that. Oh, I said to him soon as I hit this age, I said, no. You're not getting any more from me. I am done. I didn't like it in the first place. That kind of thing. Right.
Rachel Gold : Well that's a different one, isn't it? They're not liking it in the first place.
That's a different, that's not hormonally related, but, um, you know, it's a great time, I must say in menopause to review. It's a reviewing time. It's a pause. It literally is a pause. It's got the word pause in it. Right. And so we pause and we reflect about what we want. So if sex was. Not good before, or if it was too rushed or it wasn't as connected as she might want, then that's the time when things can start to be really great because she's going to actually start to actually want to make changes and have space to make changes, hopefully.[00:16:00]
But going back to perimenopause, as you said, it's as. Supremely confusing time for women because we are, uh, having sometimes irregular periods, body shape changes, weight can go on in those times. Um, you know, we now know that lots of exercise doesn't necessarily help, you know, all these different things are going on that are very confusing difference from our thirties.
Yeah. And you know, along with that, we'll go. Ebbs and flows of desire, it just naturally will. And um, you know, I just want to say that it isn't the end of sex. It's just the change. It's just the beginning of a really wonderful adventure of really getting to know the body as much as we observe, oh look, I'm having mid-cycle bleeding.
We notice it. And the same thing we'll notice is actually I want different things my body needs and wants different things, whether it's a food or a, or a sexual. Desire. And you know, sex isn't about intercourse, sex is about about much more than that. [00:17:00] And this is the time where we are not looking to make babies necessarily 'cause we're not looking in this phase.
So we've got all this opportunity to discover all the many different other things that one can do, rather than just having inter. I
Rena Annobil: mean, you make it sound quite exciting, like this is a time where you can have sex for fun, not for babies. I
Rachel Gold : mean,
Rena Annobil: that's
Rachel Gold : great. Yeah. I mean, there is that as well, isn't there?
Because, you know, we didn't talk about, you know, contraception is, is, is a, is a situation that needs to be managed, isn't it? In younger years when you are having, you know, when you're fertile in your fertile years, as most of the life is. You know, we've got to manage that and that can also cause issues.
You know, some people don't like the pill and, you know, it's, it's, it's a journey again, another type of journey. So yeah. When you are not having the opportunity to have babies anymore, when you've gone through menopause, then yeah. All that possibility of exploration.
Rena Annobil: I mean, okay, so that sounds great, right?
But however, because of these hormonal fluctuations and the way that some women [00:18:00] might be feeling and however they're managing their, uh, the hormones, HRT or not HRT or whatever, there are some points where libido naturally goes down, right?
Rachel Gold : Well, it definitely goes down. So let's just be clear. The libido goes down throughout that time.
So throughout our life cycle, our libido is decreasing. And during menopause, our, our hormonal. If you are doing it naturally or if you are managing your hormones, it will be different, but generally speaking, the desire is less intense than it was in the early years when you were in a, a time of fertility.
That doesn't mean that you don't want to engage sexually with somebody, though you, I don't think that we need to necessarily just be driven by the urge that. The scratch, the itch that needs to be scratched type of response. Intimacy is much bigger than that. It's about pleasure in the body overall. It's about something much more than just scratching the itch.
Rena Annobil: So what do you mean by that? And, and this is this like, [00:19:00] I mean, how do, how do you manage that as a couple? Because men, obviously they're not having all these, I mean, they are, they've got their own hormones, but communication, it's not the same. Okay. Yeah.
Rachel Gold : It's so important. Communication, and what I suggest is that you don't leave that moment of communication until menopause.
It has to be an ongoing thing. I mean, obviously if you're listening to this and you're listening to it in menopause, then that's my biggest. Biggest, biggest recommendation is to start to talk, to make a list of the things that you want to do. Make a list of the ideas of things that you'd like to experience with each other.
Put them in an envelope and, you know, take one out a week if you can, if you have time, or even once a month is better. Little adventures that can be about intimacy. They can be about fun together. They don't necessarily have to be about sex because we are talking a lot about sex, but actually relationships need to have work and work.
And the relationship can be about pleasure as well. It's, it's the step it. [00:20:00] Behind and in front of sex, if you like. It doesn't just, it's not isolated is what I'm trying to say.
Mm-hmm.
Rachel Gold : So I want to encourage people to see sex as part of the relationship, and then to want to work in the relationship to have more fun, more connection, more pleasure.
There'll be places that are missing if sex dies in a relationship. And it will usually be because people aren't talking to each other and that's hard because we have busy lives. Children, lots to do rushing all over the place, but I cannot recommend enough the need to actually make time to talk to each other, and that's where the magic happens.
Rena Annobil: Hmm.
Rachel Gold : Not talk about practical stuff. You know, we sit down,
Rena Annobil: talk about taking the
Rachel Gold : bins out and all this
Rena Annobil: kind of
Rachel Gold : stuff. Phones in our hands and all I'm looking and you know, how many times do we say no, let's put that phone in that box, or put that machine on that turns the phones off, you know? And just like.
Be together and just have some time together. No screens, no tv, just sit and, and and share. And [00:21:00] maybe one person talks and the other person listens. I know it sounds a bit convoluted, but actually it's really important and I know that men also, as they get older, really want that connection as well. They want it all the time, but more so as they get older as well.
So it is the same. We want to be heard, seen, listened to, and appreciated. And men do too.
Rena Annobil: Yeah. Okay. Some good advice. Yeah, some good advice there.
Rachel Gold : Good.
Rena Annobil: Um, in terms of, uh, let's go back slightly. We were talking about menopause, but in terms of people who've had children Right. Just had children, new parents, right?
Yeah. How, what's the best way for them to make time for each other, whether it's for just the relationship for intimacy, you know? Mm-hmm. And even things like, um, they might have, their libido might be quite. Most both. Both of them might have
Rachel Gold : a, a great libido, but it might just be buried under exhaustion at that point.
So I think when you're a first time parent, you really don't know that. [00:22:00] You don't know that it will get better or it hopefully will repair and that there will be another time for you. So I think this is very important to talk to people who are coming in or, or who have a lot on, because they have lots of children as well, to remember that.
It's all about little tiny bite-sized pieces of connection. You know, it's bite-sized connection. So it's things like, um, now a difficult situation is where mom, new mom might not want to be touched. She might not want to have physical connection. She might feel just completely, as most mothers do, overloaded by physical already from birth, from breastfeeding, from holding, from not sleeping, and yet.
Dad could feel rejected at that point as well, or pushed outta the out. So it's important to just try and maybe even sit together, you know, just sit next to each other and just have some feeling of couple together. So even though it might not be as it was before, head on the shoulder, feet [00:23:00] up on the lap, that sort of thing, it's just about making some, some.
Definition of of time, physical time together, or if she's breastfeeding, just to be there, just to be in the space. Just to be in the energy with her to, to, to, to have physical intimacy. That's not of the necessarily touching kind. Mm. Just to remember that you are a couple.
Rena Annobil: Yeah.
Rachel Gold : And just talk, as I said before, it's all about talking as much as you can when you're tired.
You know, right, right from the get go debriefing the birth seems like such a, an odd thing to do when you've got a beautiful baby and you've been through that and it's behind you. Yet those things that happen in birth can really impact the relationship coming back together with intimacy. Oftentimes we don't take notice of the small things that happened in birth, and when parents talk to one another about it, they can, they can again, at the same principle.
The more you share and talk, the more things ease.
Rena Annobil: That's so important. I didn't think I did [00:24:00] that after my birth at all. No, most
Rachel Gold : people don't. Because you don't consider it. You
Rena Annobil: don't know. No. And you just kind of brush like just. Put it, sweep, put another
Rachel Gold : rug's. A busy. Got
Rena Annobil: you. That's done, isn't
Rachel Gold : it? Let's get on with this now.
Yeah, that's exactly, and you forget it. We have a wonderful ability to forget, don't we? Yes. But really, dad has had a big experience and he often doesn't have a place to put that, you know, what he's seen as we obviously as women, we've been through a lot. Massively. He's also been through a lot and often doesn't have anybody to talk to about it.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm.
Rachel Gold : And I have, um, you know, I'm talking from experience of seeing how it can affect long-term relationships. When you don't get an opportunity to hear
Rena Annobil: what one saw
Rachel Gold : and the other saw. They're often different stories and they just really help. It becomes, again, another form of connection together.
Rena Annobil: And, you know, sometimes the, uh, physical touch without the sex is quite nice as well, right?
Yes. Which, you know, hugs and things like that.
Rachel Gold : Absolutely.
Rena Annobil: However, does, does this sometimes happen in relationships where a [00:25:00] woman wants the hugs, right. And not necessarily the sex, you know, you wanna be comforted, you wanna be held, that kind of thing. But then the guy is, wants to turn it into something else and therefore the woman avoids.
Hugging in bed, for example.
Rachel Gold : It's so common, right? It's so common and one that I really try to help people unpick and it's all about really sticking to it as the man. I'm gonna speak about it from the man that, so
Rena Annobil: what does that mean?
Rachel Gold : Stick to it. What I mean is, is if she asks for a back squeeze, keep it at her back, squeeze.
Don't take it down and do other stuff, you know?
Rena Annobil: Okay.
Rachel Gold : That she can build. It's about building trust. And, and it's a hard one to say this because I don't want to sound bad towards men. It's not what I mean. Yeah. It's just very natural that that hand feels good and that hand would feel even better just there.
But actually for a woman and, and it's not just in pregnancy and postnatally, it's always, if she's not. Asking that hand to go to that place. Don't take it there. Keep it where she wanted it. You know, [00:26:00] it's why I encourage people to really direct, not postnatally, we're too tired, but generally to direct where the touch is.
So if I want somebody to touch me, I'm gonna say, just touch me on the shoulder. And if they go down my arm, I'm gonna say, actually, I just really want it on the shoulder. Until we can really get that feeling that. All I wanted was the shoulder and he stays on my shoulder. Do you see, because it builds trust with, with, you know, there's not exactly a lot of, you know, sexual arousal thing happening just necessarily with the shoulder, but it shows that that person that.
Is keeping to my shoulder, and I then can trust that if I ask for a back massage another day, it will just be a back massage. So I always suggest, you know, small little things like, well, they're not small. They're actually quite big to say, ask where you'd like somebody to touch you. Would you like, you know how, where would you like me to touch you?
Actually, I'd like you to just hold my hand. Actually. I'd like you to squeeze my hand. And then that touch goes up the [00:27:00] arm and you say, no, no, that wasn't what I asked for. I just want you to hold my hand and, and it really matters. Yeah. You know, this, this boundary. It's not about saying no, I never want you to go up my arm, but just for now, just for today, I want you to just hold my hand and that's enough for me.
What
Rena Annobil: if there is a case of mis mismatched lidos in a relationship? How do you manage that?
Rachel Gold : Come to see me.
Rena Annobil: Links are gonna be posted below, by the way.
Rachel Gold : But no, it is, it is important that you have somebody else to talk to. And again, it could be a friend, it could be a trusted person, but if boundaries are being pushed, then the boundaries are being pushed.
Consent is consent. You know, and we want, so you ask about, you know. But a different mismatch in libido just needs to be talked about. And solutions need to be found. I won't speak necessarily in such explicit ways here, but there are ways around, um, you know, making sure that one person is [00:28:00] happy if the other person doesn't want to engage.
It's about talking about it, making sure that space is given for that person to have their own time, is what I'm talking about. Their private time. Okay. We,
Rena Annobil: you don't, I
Rachel Gold : know you don't. Talking about going out. Side the relationship. What I'm saying is, are
Rena Annobil: you talking about like sorting yourself out?
Rachel Gold : Yeah, exactly.
That's what I'm talking about. And often people don't even talk about that in relationships and you know, it is actually important to not feel guilty about that, to recognize that actually this time is a little bit of a time where we are not on the same page with the same amount of desire and I need to take that on board for myself and have more time for me.
And that we recognize it's important to, for that person to have love making time with themselves, let's say.
Rena Annobil: Right. Okay.
Rachel Gold : It wasn't advocating other things.
Rena Annobil: No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Okay. So sort yourself out at home, that's on you. Yeah. You know, in the privacy of your own house kind of thing. Exactly.
Yeah. Fine. Okay. Do you ever suggest a couples to schedule it in? Put it in the diary? We are having. Do on Saturday for example.
Rachel Gold : I [00:29:00] do. I do, I do. I wouldn't go,
Rena Annobil: well then does that take fun out of it? 'cause some people think, oh, that's not spontaneous schedule sex takes the fun out of it. What? So, but I mean, clearly you are, you are recommending it to people
Rachel Gold : sometimes.
Well, you know, it's a bit pressure, isn't it? It's like saying, well let's go to that fancy restaurant, that one we really love. And then you think, oh my God, I can't be bothered to blow dry my hair. I don't want to put those shoes on my feet feel really tired today. Do we have to go to that? You know? 'cause you, you put pressure on yourself.
It's about making space. It's a bit like we said about talking to each other. And if all it. All that happens is you sit together and have a chat and have that screen free, relaxed communication. That's great. That's a brilliant thing. That's, you know, and, and anything that comes from that, you know, like I suggested earlier, there's games that you can get, there's ideas that you can share.
It could be the time where you pull that outta the envelope and it says, squeeze my feet. And that's enough. Mm-hmm. We are having some form of connection. Yeah. That's different from what it is every other day where we're running around.
Rena Annobil: So it's not [00:30:00] necessarily like we are doing it on this day.
Rachel Gold : No. I think power through it think it makes a lot of pressure, it
Rena Annobil: puts
Rachel Gold : lot of pressure on you and you know, you can't be sure that you feel like that, but you can do other things.
And that's the thing that I want to really open up is the possibility of all these types of touching. Being together, just lying together, listening to music together, taking some nature in if you can get out, if children are okay, you know, it's, it's about having a date together. Mm-hmm. It's not necessarily about swinging from the chandeliers and, you know, if that happens, then that's brilliant.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
Rena Annobil: I wanna talk now about quantity versus quality. Rachel? Yes. Because do, would you, in your expert opinion, um, say that it's better to have. Regular sex, which is just, you know, okay, get the job done, kind of sex right, regularly because you're maintaining. The sexual uh, uh, activity and you're maintaining the closeness that might come with that, right?
[00:31:00] Or is it better to have every now and then mind blowing, swinging from the chandeliers, the whole full shebang sex?
Rachel Gold : Okay, so we have to decide what. That whether we are okay with getting the job done. Do you know what I mean? And whose job is it anyway, you know, those would be my questions, but we could talk about that another time.
But the thing is, is that I really would like to encourage people to just see intimacy in the biggest sense, whether that's, like I said, just stroking each other's hands, arms,
Rena Annobil: right?
Rachel Gold : Being together, eye gazing. Snuggling together, enjoying different, different experiences rather than having a forced intercourse experience.
Doesn't need to go to that point. It doesn't need to always have that unless both people want it. There's so many ways that we can have, um, connection and it physically intimate connection that can suit one another. And it's fun as well. I mean, there's access to so much now that we have that's educational, not pornographic necessarily, but educational [00:32:00] that you can find.
All sorts of ideas, you know? Yeah, I, I know. 'cause people tell me, and I must say it does put pressure on people sometimes they'll say, oh, you know, my, uh, partner has been online and he's, uh, found, you know, 25 different ideas of how we can have oral or what all this or that or the other. And he's come up with this and we've got to get this fruit involved and this, you know, all this sort of thing and all these great things.
'cause there's tips galore online and my industry puts out tips, my colleagues put out tips and I'm so glad they do. But you know, it's. It's like a little bit of that and a little bit of this, and not to put pressure on, but to have fun, enjoy exploration without feeling pressurized. Because what? What you don't want to happen and I wouldn't want to be here recommending is go online and research the things.
No, because it could give you so much stress. The thought that that's going to come towards you. That's why I like the idea of the envelope suggestion that I made where you write down, you take a piece of paper and you tear it into eight pieces and write little [00:33:00] ideas and suggestions on it that you desire, or you've been, um, you know, recommended or you've seen you put them in the, in the envelope.
Pick one out when you have your date night, and if you don't like it, throw it behind you and pick another one.
Rena Annobil: That's cute. I
Rachel Gold : like it. I like it because it's more, it's more, it's more organic, isn't it?
Rena Annobil: Yeah.
Rachel Gold : I really said orgasmic, but it's more organic.
Rena Annobil: It could be, but Okay. Um, I wanna just mention pornography here because.
Porn's everywhere, right?
Rachel Gold : Yeah,
Rena Annobil: absolutely. It's literally everywhere. But what impact has that had on sex and intimacy and relationships?
Rachel Gold : Yes. So it's a big question, isn't it? Pornography, and today, I think I'm right in saying that we do have to have age, age and identity access now, which has given me a lot of ease, especially being a mom.
And, um, you know, I think then it slows down access in some, in some ways. I think that's the biggest [00:34:00] problem is how easily we can access, uh, explicit material. You know, I unfortunately have heard people sharing with. Me over time, what they've seen other people watching on the tube, on the bus. I know on the train.
Rena Annobil: It's awful.
Rachel Gold : I mean, and we have our whole children and family and all inappropriate levels of access to things that we, we don't consent to, right? Mm-hmm. But a consenting adult should be able to do what they want to do in many ways, as long as it doesn't harm other people. Mm-hmm. But it does harm, unfortunately, because it becomes addictive.
Often. And also I think the biggest thing I think we've mentioned already is that it gives a false impression Yes. Of what it's really like. And we are here talking about women's health and long-term relationships and really it does take you off on a different tangent altogether, if that's the expectation or the way you should look the way your genitals should look.
That's a big thing. Yeah. Because
Rena Annobil: it is that expectation of like, you know, women should be like. Totally hairless women should be able to like [00:35:00] do all these flexible things like Absolutely. Do you know what I mean? Those
Rachel Gold : noises.
Rena Annobil: Exactly. And for we can and speak like that Yeah.
Rachel Gold : And all of that.
Rena Annobil: Yes. And, and I think that, you know, as women, if you.
I don't, I can't speak for all women, but if, if as a woman you know that, you know your partner has seen this and this is what they like, and then you may feel pressured to be like, mm-hmm. Oh, I need to look like that. I need to do like half an hour yoga workout to get into flexible mode to do those things more.
Exactly. Do all those things.
Rachel Gold : Exactly. So again, it's about sharing, like we talked about, speaking about. Self-pleasuring, masturbation, which is what I was talking about. You know, actually being open about it, because I think the worst things that can happen is a woman comes downstairs thinking our husband or partner's doing a late, you know, something watching Netflix.
Mm-hmm. You know, and then comes into the space of seeing what he's been doing and watching and sees him. And it's, it is shaming for the man and it's really stressful for the relationship. And I have known relationships busting up like that, you know, and it's a shame because if, if they were to. Talk and share, then there would be some level of [00:36:00] understanding or, or there would be an adjustment made.
Mm-hmm. I think the more that men are able to feel accepted in, and I talk about men, women, which porn obviously as well, but if we're able to share about it, I think it will take it down a notch. I think that things will become a little bit more relaxed and not so, um, not so shaming or, or stressful or shocking.
As well.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm. I mean, do you know a lot of couples that have then come back from, from that where it was like, you know, there was a lot of shame involved and somebody's watching porn and you, do, you know what I mean? And it's a shock.
Rachel Gold : It's a very, it's, it's like everything, an affair, for example. Mm-hmm.
Infidelity. Mm-hmm. Um, it, it can be on the same level as that. I. Found with my clients who've come to me, you know, with, with issues around pornography addictions or, or, or finding things where there's been large amounts of, of household income spent on, on, on, on services online. 'cause that's the other thing.
The, the, the, the, what it brings up for people is the need [00:37:00] to
Rena Annobil: mm-hmm.
Rachel Gold : Spend more money or whatever, you know, it's quite addictive and that can cause problems in relationships as well as the material.
Rena Annobil: Um, Rachel, what are some of the biggest myths that you have heard and wanna kind of just scrap about women and their sexuality and libido?
Rachel Gold : Well, you said it, that sex doesn't stop at 50. Thank you For sure. And that you knows. It doesn't stop because you've had babies. It doesn't stop because you don't want to do it for two weeks or even a month or three months, or even a year. We can, and we can take breaks and come into ourselves and readjust what's going on, whether it's for health or an emotional reason.
We can take, just like we do when we go on a detox, we could detox from from things. We want to change and we are allowed to do that. And we all come back because sex is a part of our, of our health and wellbeing. You know, it exists as part of who we are. So there'll be some manifestation of [00:38:00] sexuality, which may even go into creativity.
It could go into painting, it could go into sculpting, but it's still a version of sex. And, um. Everything. Everything like will keep on coming back to balance if we allow it.
Rena Annobil: Mm. Okay. Do you think that, um, in terms of long-term relationships, that there can be a happy long-term relationship if one partner just doesn't wanna have sex anymore?
Rachel Gold : If it, if it's agreeable in the relationship. Yes. Every relationship is unique. I can't say for all relationships, but I do know in general that when you have an a relationship that starts out as intimate and sexual, and that's your kind of contract, that like if you were in a business arrangement with anybody and you changed your hours, you stopped coming to work, you would review your contract and that's what would be needed.
You know, there'd be needing to be an appraisal and a. Proper review of contracts and sometimes the contracts can't continue. There can't be an [00:39:00] ongoing relationship. If that really doesn't work for people, you, I couldn't say. Do you know what I mean? It has to be truthful. It's like if one person says, no, I cannot live without a sexual relationship.
I need to have. And then it might well be, and I'm sorry, I'm gonna say is that there's more and more people these days who are, who are investigating open relationships. Like in the last uh, years, I've had more clients coming, wanting to be supported through conscious, uh, consciously opening their relationship, conscious, monogamy open, you know, non-monogamy, um, than ever before.
So that's an interesting change in my, you know, having been in many decades as a sex therapist.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm.
Rachel Gold : Um. What would you say are the keys to a happy and healthy
Rena Annobil: sex life in terms of relationships? Whether it's, well, let's, let's look at long-term relationships,
Rachel Gold : communication. That would be my first one to be able to get through, like I said, a renegotiation of contract in a marriage or a long time relationship.
Being able [00:40:00] to feel held, understood, supported that there's compassion, understanding, forgiveness, um, to change really, and the differences that come along as we go through life and hope that you can find a place where you have another form of. Relationship balance come in together. And I believe it's really possible.
I really do, because I think if we take the pressure off of ourselves that sex has to be like that, but it is what it is that you make it to be, then that gives a lot more potential for long time relationships. Mm-hmm.
Rena Annobil: And I guess it's taking the pressure off of how much people need to be having sex because, you know, we spoke about.
People think that everyone's having more sex than them. I don't even know what the national average is
Rachel Gold : twice a week.
Rena Annobil: So the national average is twice a
week.
Rachel Gold : Well, I can't say if it's a national average, but it's the one that in terms of people gets spoken about.
Rena Annobil: Right? Okay.
Rachel Gold : It is not true. It is not true.
Let's myth bust on that one.
Rena Annobil: Okay.
Rachel Gold : It's not true. I mean, it's so variable. It's so variable, and we need to be kind to ourselves. If you [00:41:00] have a lovely connection and you continually fill up your glass with delicious elixia of love, then that's really great, isn't it?
Rena Annobil: Oh, how lovely that you put it like that.
If you fill up your glass with a delicious elixia of love. I want a glass of elixia. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Right. I mean, who doesn't, right? Who
Rachel Gold : doesn't wanna sip on that?
Rena Annobil: Who doesn't wanna sip on that? I would love be, oh my gosh. Um, okay. So, you know, you work with couples on a, uh, couple basis and individual basis, right?
Yes, yes. Every day. Um, what are the main things that women, uh, often think about but don't really say out loud? Maybe they don't even wanna say these things to themselves. Do you find certain patterns?
Rachel Gold : Um, yes. That women don't want to say out loud about themselves. It would be that I am, that I'm unattractive.
He doesn't fancy me anymore. I'm not as good as her. She looks better than me. I'm old now and [00:42:00] I'm just like, you know, it's all downhill. Those things are the things that we. Have in ourselves as women that we hide in. And actually we need to just recognize if we speak to other women, that we're all in it together and we are actually all really doing great.
Mm-hmm. We're all beautiful and amazing as women, we are warriors. We are doing so great, but we, if we compare and contrast ourselves with other people and not speak about how we feel, then we are never celebrating the great moments. We are always looking at the, you know, the, the problems. And, um, I want to encourage people to speak more to each other.
That would be a super win outta this time with you as if I could help women to start to share more. And, you know, it is happening. More women are sharing more honestly. Yeah,
Rena Annobil: I think that's, it's quite empowering. And also I feel like it. That's what makes us feel more attractive and become more attractive anyway, right?
Yes. To her, to feel good about ourselves,
Rachel Gold : whatever. Oh, really important, right? It's really important and whatever shape we are. And [00:43:00] obviously there's times in life where we've got to address things because we feel like we are tipping into unhealthy and you know, we know also that certain behaviors make us feel more sexier, make us feel better.
So going back again to like. Body, body, dancey, massage, receiving touch if we can, external from the relationship. It's about how we live in our own bodies. How, how safe we feel in our own bodies. How, how much we are inside our bodies with the moving in a good direction for us. Not just plodding through life, but actually engaging in pleasurable movement I think really
Rena Annobil: helps 'cause it's energy, right?
Rachel Gold : We're generating that kind of, we're generating energy. So being out in nature's really good for us being in, in, in environments that make us feel good, you know, however that is for an individual person. You know, I'm a big advocate of yoga nidra, for example, which is the yoga sleep, which, uh, you know, is specifically designed for sometimes for women's cycles, you know, where you can really take a rest for [00:44:00] 20 minutes and come back up into life feeling rejuvenated.
That is a wonderful resource, you know, because tiredness. Is our enemy, isn't it, when it comes to feeling good.
Rena Annobil: Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
Rachel Gold : Yeah.
Rena Annobil: Yeah, absolutely. Especially when you got like a, a few kids and a few jobs, you know, on
Rachel Gold : the go. Absolutely. Absolutely. So to take a little rest with yoga Nira, that's been for me,
Rena Annobil: yeah.
Rachel Gold : A big thing in my life that's helped me get through my cycles of, of change.
Rena Annobil: Okay. Uh, Rachel, is there anything else that you would want, um, any women listening to, to know about? Sex and how it changes and, and relationships and, and feeling good in that space.
Rachel Gold : I think just thinking about ourselves as a, as seasonal beings that sometimes we are in, you know, sometimes we're in the sunshine in the summer, sometimes it's winter and we're snuggling sometimes autumn the leaves.
Uh uh, you know, and I think of ourselves as seasonal relating to seasons, you know, so as our bodies also are seasonal. Mm-hmm. That's what I would say. And to have. [00:45:00] Um, the patients that we have on days like today when it's wintery, cold and flooded everywhere, as we talked about earlier, um, that the sun is coming back, there'll be sunshine days again, and beautiful spring flowers will come up.
And that we have to think about our bodies in that way. We're in a long journey with them.
Rena Annobil: Mm. Okay. Um, and we usually end with a lifestyle prescription as this is called the lifestyle prescription. Yeah. Is that your lifestyle
Rachel Gold : prescription? Yeah, it is. It is. Those two things that are really helpful for me.
Um, yoga nidra is so important for me. Even when I wake up in the morning, I do a yoga nidra. I do specific 20 minutes, 15 minute, just going into a rest. State because you can rest your body and your mind is awake, you know? And, um, I do that throughout the day. So I think that is a big, big thing that helps and supports me with transitions and understanding of the season.
So, going out in nature and taking a look around at what's happening in the weather and noticing [00:46:00] the beauty of nature really helps. So I have a dog and I like to go out and walk her or run after her if I can.
Rena Annobil: Well, it's been so lovely speaking with you. Really great. Thank you you so much for coming in.
It's been great having you here and if people obviously want a little bit more, uh, kind of tailored advice, yeah, they, uh, will know where to contact you or for in, for all your details and everything on here. Great.
Rachel Gold : Pleasure. Thank you. And thank you so much for talking about this super important and subject.
It really is needed. Thank you.
Rena Annobil: Thank you so much for watching. Thank you so much for listening. I hope that this episode has been helpful for you. As always, like, share and subscribe and I will catch you on the next one.
